this is so tiring

i don't know what is it. sekejap i feel go0d. but later, i feel down. biasala tu kan. whenever we think of our weaknesses, automatically akan rasa " haishhh. burukny diri ni". " haishhh. kenapala aku tak cantik ". " haihh.kenapala macam selalu menyusahkan org". " haihh.kenapala mcm2 tak reti nak buat". and seriously, i'm sick of it.

it's the same old thing keep repeating over and over itself. so i think. keep on thinking that no matter how much chances i give myself to change, i still unable to change to b better. i'm unable to improve myself. sy berfikir. being an 'adult' you'd outgrow this kind of feeling and emotion, something what teenagers would feel, all the hormones raging, and just starting to have a taste of life. I really don't know what it is, what's wrong with me. I can't even do the simplest of tasks. even nak defend diri sndiri pun dah xreti ke sha oiii!. haihh larr.:/

until when nak biar orang asyik mengata. pastu nanges. pastu rasa oke. mcm tu je?.until when nak biar org pandang u sebagai someone yang tak reti defend diri?.

i really don't understand what's wrong with me. mama and abah never though me to b rude. but i misunderstand it. never though to b rude doesn't mean to let anyone keep bullying me. i always thought when i try to defend myself, it seems to b rude way. so i chose to keep on silently and crying inside. let it heal me slowly. but actually it is d bad way. my heart hurt inside. macam terngiang2 shj my friends word " sukala nk kacau2 sha ni. nak kata2 sha ni. sha tak pernah nak marah ke. nak balas ke ". haihhh. but inside me i feel down. saket saya tak nmpk kt muka kan. tp kt dalam saket sngt2.

this is really affecting my life. i want to b a good daughter. a good friend. a good student and a good girl to my man and a good somebody. I keep on saying I want to change, I try, but I have trouble being consistent, when I'm on the right track, sekejap je tergelincir balik. back to my same old bad attitude. This is so tiring. :/

rasa mcm da give up. tanak pergi jumpa sesiapa pun.
nak jadi macamm sha yang dulu. yang taktahu apa tu dunia luar. yang sentiase bekepit ngn mama abah. my world is only my family. huhu
sedey mcm ni :/

i just don't know what to do with myself.